I’m completely lost. I don’t know what I’m doing. Period. I don’t know what I want an hour from now, tomorrow, or next week. I’m lost &at the same time I’m happy. Sad part is, I don’t know where to turn.

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It was the first two finals of the week. I don’t understand the point of finals. I mean, if a teacher says it’s to see how much you’ve learnt, then is that not what the tests throughout the semester is for? &I don’t get why we have to be tested on half the material we learn. Isn’t high school about preparing us for the “real world”? Shouldn’t they teach me about living life then? I think I should be educated about the dangers out there. Emotionally, physically, socially, etc. Not math, history, chemistry, etc. I don’t think I will ever find the distance between two garbage cans to see which one is closer, I’ll just eyeball the distance &make my decision. I don’t think anyone is going to come up to me &ask me what year women were able to vote as a conversation starter. No one is going to ask me how many atoms there are in something just because. Sure, some of these courses will benefit some of us but that depends on what we want to do with our lives. I personally will not use Chemistry or Art or History. Yet, it’s on the high school graduation requirements. Why? I ask myself almost everyday.

I’m in high school. I’m going to want to go out, &I’m going to go out. I don’t understand why you don’t get that. Why both of you guys don’t get that. It’s not like I’m gone all the time. If you told me straight up you want me home because whatever reason. I’ll be home. I don’t blow you guys off &I’m not even rude about it. I’m here when you both get home &I’m here when you guys leave. I’m home until you guy decide that you don’t want to do anything. If you guys end up wanting to do something, I’m here. I don’t make plans &I follow through with you two.

Top it all off, you guys think that I have these things that I don’t. I had to work for everything. I worked hard to be where I am &you guys just think it was handed to me. It wasn’t. I had to prove myself to our Mother. She made the decision to trust me &allow me to do whatever I do. You guys gave her a reason to not trust you. You both did stuff that made her not trust you. So to have you guys think that I just was handed this trust, sucks.

I really dislike that feeling I get when I’m in school &I seriously do not want to be. I know school is an essential, I know I should enjoy it, &I know that time flies when I begin to look back. I just don’t know why I don’t like it. I just walk to class, sit down, &begin to stare off into space. I don’t make an effort to speak to anyone &when I’m spoken to, I just answer like a robot. I don’t pay attention to anything in the halls &my feet move at their own accord to my next class. I hear everyone whispering, wondering what can possibly be on my mind, yet I don’t care. I don’t allow it to affect me because I just don’t care. By the time I’m in my last class of the day, I begin to wonder what I wasted my day on. Wondering what I did &who I spoke to. It’s all a blur because all I thought about all day, is how much I don’t want to be at school.

So today, in precal, I got my test back. I did pretty good, I got a B but I was expecting an A because when I took the test, I felt really good about everything. I knew what I was doing. There was a choice for the answer that I got. I didn’t struggle all that much &overall, it was a decent test. Anyways, when I got it back today &looked over the ones I got incorrect. Let’s see, I bubbled in the wrong answer but the answer next to my work was correct. That’s minus one. I rewrote the equation wrong when I was writing it on my scratch paper but I did it right. Minus another one. Lastly, I rounded my answer when I wasn’t suppose to. Minus another point. Simple mistakes, I know.

So, every math teacher I’ve asked in the past “Why do we take test?” They all had the same response, “We need to make sure you know how to do everything.” Okay, if that’s true. Why did I miss the ones I missed? I bubbled in the wrong answer, look at my work. I clearly knew what I was doing. I rewrote the problem wrong, same thing, look at my work. I clearly knew what I was doing. I rounded my answer, okay so I simplified it? I still clearly knew what I was doing. Now, if these teachers actually meant it when they said test are so they can see that we know how to do the work. Why did I get marked down?

Perhaps next time I ask a math teacher the purpose of a test &they still say it’s so they can see if we know the material, I should tell them my story because I knew what I was doing on this test but did not receive an A.

So today someone asked about you. I wasn’t surprised or hurt. I felt nothing. Nothing popped into my head or my emotions. From that reaction I simply said “We’re not friends.” Not in a way to be mean. But because you don’t know me &I don’t know you. I don’t know who you are because you’ve become someone different. You’ve grown with other people &they shaped who you are now. Just how I’m different. I don’t have the same perspectives on anything. That’s because I’ve grown too. That’s okay, we grew apart. No big deal. It was bound to happen because we just change into two different people.